Peerless Harmonizing Elixir

"Now, what are you talking about? Yan'er and I are friends who cook together," Xie Wujie said.

"What? Cooking?"

"Haven't you eaten what I've made before?" Xie Wujie laughed.

Dongmen Qianyun suddenly understood, but she wasn’t pleased. "Hey, Brother Xie, you’ve only made instant noodles for me a few times. As for hotpot and pancakes, you just talked about them—I've never tasted any!"

"Ahem, once things settle down here, I’ll cook a mountain of delicious food for you," Xie Wujie promised.

At once, Dongmen Qianyun brightened, her eyes gleaming. "I want the cake you brought last time—sweet and so tasty!"

"No problem!" Xie Wujie grinned mischievously.

He opened the pill furnace and began to study the art of alchemy, intending to start with the simplest Intestinal Flow Pill. This pill was the most basic of them all: it cleared the bowels and expelled stagnant spiritual energy from the body. Aside from this, it treated a physical ailment—constipation.

Yet when Xie Wujie returned to the alchemy chamber, his mind was in turmoil, unable to focus his thoughts. But his priority was to successfully create the Intestinal Flow Pill. If he could manage the simplest pill, then he would be ready to attempt more advanced ones, like the Foundation Pill or the Vitality Pill.

Compared to others, the Intestinal Flow Pill was relatively simple: mix the herbs together, simmer them over high heat for three hours, then on low heat for another three hours, and finally back to high heat for three more hours. The process had many steps.

With Dongmen Qianyun's help, Xie Wujie spent a day and a night refining the pill. When the furnace was opened, the pills were all rosy-pink, a sign of his first attempt. Without a test subject, he simply took one himself.

"Brother Xie, you're taking it yourself?" Dongmen Qianyun exclaimed.

"Yes. Why?" Xie Wujie looked at her.

"Usually, you’d give it to livestock first. If the pill fails and turns poisonous, what would you do then..."

"Oh dear, why didn't you say so earlier... wait..." Xie Wujie's face shifted; he felt it instantly. As the pill went down, his stomach roared like a mountain collapsing, and a wave of foul air descended—simply put, he had to pass gas.

He immediately released a long, resounding fart. Dongmen Qianyun stood frozen beside him, her face stunned. Xie Wujie expected the odor to be unbearable, unsure how to react, but after a breath, he realized the whole room was filled with an enchanting fragrance.

Quickly, Xie Wujie packed up the pills and headed outside. Yet just as he stepped out, another resounding fart escaped him, right as Feilong, Shouhu, and others came to assist. Hearing the sound, they all looked over in astonishment.

Then, one after another, everyone began to indulge in the scent. Yang Hongliu remarked, "What’s going on? Why does it smell so wonderful?"

"It’s my new Intestinal Flow Pill," Xie Wujie explained. "But it seems to have failed—causing constant flatulence. Yet the gas is impossibly fragrant. Take some with you, everyone—go home, let loose, and the scent will freshen your house."

No sooner had he spoken than the pills were snatched up, leaving the shelves empty. The alchemy hall was awash in scent, and passing disciples paused to peek inside.

"I heard Xie Wujie has taken over the Danxia Alchemy Hall. Why is it so fragrant today?"

"Exactly, maybe they're cleaning and spraying perfume?"

People murmured and speculated.

Xie Wujie immediately sensed a business opportunity. Since the delivery date was still far off, he might as well make money while refining pills. Of course, mere Intestinal Flow Pills wouldn’t fulfill the contract—he’d need to make Foundation and Vitality Pills to aid cultivation.

However, word of the scented pill spread quickly. Xie Wujie had only made about a hundred, and those who took them were all disciples of the alchemy hall. Once the rumor circulated, many female disciples from nearby sought out Xie Wujie’s group, inviting them to their homes to freshen the air with their fragrant flatulence.

Soon, the whole area around the alchemy hall was abuzz. People adored the scent—requests poured in, supply could not meet demand. With no other choice, Xie Wujie decided to charge for "scentscaping" visits: based on room size, he collected five to ten silver taels, or one to two spirit stones per session. In no time, his coffers overflowed, and he became a sensation in the Danxia Sect.

On a tranquil afternoon, the army of fragrant-farters set out for work, their passage marked by a volley of farts, crackling like firecrackers—quite a spectacle.

But then a group arrived, and upon closer inspection, Xie Wujie recognized them as Shi Zhentian’s followers. Shi Zhentian, having recently recovered from injury, had long harbored resentment toward Xie Wujie and now came to settle the score.

Entering, Shi Zhentian greeted Xie Wujie, "Brother, I hope you’ve been well."

"Senior Brother Shi!" Xie Wujie returned the gesture.

Shi Zhentian explained, "My master has recently moved, and wishes to bring good fortune to his new house. So, he asked me to buy some pills from you—I’ll deliver them to him."

"So the Grand Elder entrusted you. Certainly!" Xie Wujie took out a bottle of pills. "This is my second batch of Intestinal Flow Pills; the effect should be much improved. Consider it a gift, Senior Brother Shi!"

Shi Zhentian chuckled to himself—Xie Wujie still feared him, offering respect. Pleased, he took the pills and left without paying.

"Brother Xie, you just gave him the pills you’d just refined?" Dongmen Qianyun asked.

"This batch should be the proper Intestinal Flow Pills," Xie Wujie replied. "Let the Grand Elder see that I, Xie Wujie, can truly refine pills."

"But he said he’s using them to scent the house," Feilong interjected. "If these are the real Intestinal Flow Pills, aren’t they just laxatives?"

"In truth, purging is the pill’s intended effect. The fragrant flatulence was merely an unexpected side effect," Xie Wujie explained.

...

In the Grand Elder’s chambers, Elder Ding Desheng held the bottle, scoffing, "Xie Wujie really does concoct all sorts of odd pills. You say these pills can produce fragrant farts?"

"Indeed," Shi Zhentian replied, "the scent is extraordinary—rumor has it, even invigorating."

"Well, let’s see what Xie Wujie is made of!" With that, Elder Ding Desheng opened the bottle and swallowed a pill.

"Master," Shi Zhentian suggested, "if you want to fill the air with fragrance, why not release a grand one? Your room is spacious—a small scent won’t be enough."

Unaware that this batch was Xie Wujie’s second, genuine Intestinal Flow Pills, Ding Desheng followed Shi Zhentian’s advice. He took another two pills, then, feeling that even this was insufficient, swallowed the entire bottle.

After taking the pills, Ding Desheng’s face flushed. Unable to contain himself, he laughed, "Interesting! I feel two currents stirring in my belly—here it comes!"

Delighted, he called to his disciples, "Come, smell and see—does your master’s fart compare to others?"

Shi Zhentian and his cronies were adept at flattery. When Ding Desheng spoke, they hurried over. One suggested, "Master, perhaps reveal half your backside—the clothes you wear today are thick. Otherwise, the scent will escape through your pant legs. After all, it’s less fragrant through fabric."

Ding Desheng laughed heartily, "Yes, yes, you’re right. I’m ready—prepare yourselves! Bai Li, aren’t you coming too?"