Chapter 29: Li Gousheng, the Handsomest Man

When Xie Wuji saw so many people arriving, he stopped his attacks. He planted his feet firmly, drawing his hands left and right as if pulling a bow, adopting a defensive stance. The members of the attacking gangs were armed only with wooden sticks and farm tools, looking rather lackluster. After Xie Wuji gave them all a lesson, they stood dumbfounded.

The previously arrogant burly man’s legs trembled. “Don’t get too cocky! We’ve already notified the people from the Azure Cloud Sect. They’ll be here first thing tomorrow morning to deal with you!”

“Thank you very much. Then we’ll just leave here early tomorrow morning,” Xie Wuji replied.

The burly man slapped himself. “Oh, heavens above, look at my mouth… Xie Wuji, don’t be so pleased with yourself! We’ll keep you here, let’s see how you manage to leave!”

Surrounded by ordinary folk with no cultivation, realizing they couldn’t defeat Xie Wuji, they shamelessly formed a tight circle around him, refusing to let him go.

Xie Wuji glanced at a stone lion nearby, walked over, and asked, “Will you let me pass?”

“No, we won’t!” the crowd blocked him.

Xie Wuji took a deep breath and punched the lion.

Crack!

The huge stone lion shattered instantly, leaving everyone stunned. Xie Wuji asked again, “Will you let me pass?”

“Brother, our leader is in that building over there. There’s always a cause for grievances, and we’re reasonable people—surely you are too. Don’t smash things so easily, it’s uncivilized,” said the burly man, feigning seriousness.

Xie Wuji chuckled and, surrounded by the crowd, made his way toward the Red Pavilion.

As he left, the burly man kept waving, “Brother Xie, take it slow!”

But Xie Wuji paid no mind. He quickly entered the Red Pavilion. The matron inside saw Xie Wuji clad in arm guards, looking fierce, and immediately sensed trouble. Yet, when she saw his face, her ample body trembled. How could she not recognize Xie Wuji? Wanted posters had covered the town recently.

She stammered, “Sir, today we’re…”

“Prepare a pot of hot tea for me in the hall, and a table of wine and food. I’ll be right back!” Xie Wuji said, slapping a hefty ingot of silver worth twenty taels onto the table.

The matron’s anxiety melted away, replaced by a sycophantic smile as she called out, “Someone, prepare a feast for this gentleman!”

“Madam, don’t you recognize him as…” a trembling attendant started.

The matron laughed heartily. “I only recognize silver. Who is he? Does silver not look good enough?”

The attendant had no choice but to obey, and Xie Wuji, without another word, dashed up to the third floor, just as screams echoed from within.

What astonished him was that the screams were from men, followed by Dongmen Qianyun’s voice: “Filthy pig! All you men are big, stinky pigs! Hmph, what’s wrong with bluestone tiles? They can pave roads; they can bake cakes! What’s so good about big bosoms? Aren’t you afraid you’ll be suffocated by them, you filthy men!”

Thwack, thwack—the sound of whipping, and the men inside cried out in agony.

Xie Wuji’s tense mood evaporated instantly, replaced by a sense of foreboding. He slowly opened the door, nearly petrified by the sight.

Inside, Dongmen Qianyun sat on the table with her legs crossed, holding a bridle in her hands. The bit was clamped in the mouth of a bald, burly man, whose face was flushed with unspoken delight.

Dongmen Qianyun wielded a leather whip, thrashing away.

The bald man rolled on the floor in ecstasy. “Miss, I’m your dog, I’m your pig, I’m the worm beneath your shoe!”

“No, you’re the worm’s droppings! You’re not even as good as a worm! You’re the parasite inside the droppings!” Dongmen Qianyun retorted.

The bald man alternated between laughing and crying, his face turning red, sometimes seeming unbearably humiliated, sometimes reaching peaks of pleasure. Xie Wuji’s skin crawled.

At that moment, Dongmen Qianyun spotted Xie Wuji at the door. He stared at her impassively. “Sorry to interrupt… please, carry on…”

“Brother Xie!” Dongmen Qianyun rushed halfway out, grabbing Xie Wuji’s sleeve. “Brother Xie, let me explain, it’s not what you think, I…”

“You think I’m blind? People sometimes have quirks; what’s frightening is not admitting them…” Xie Wuji said, giving the bald man a thumbs-up.

In that instant, the bald man’s eyes widened as if he’d found a kindred spirit. He quickly ran out, grabbing Xie Wuji’s hand. “Good brother, at last I’ve met someone who understands life’s pleasures! May I have your name?”

“Known as ‘A pear blossom weighing down the crabapple,’ devastatingly handsome, undefeated under the heavens, adored by countless maidens, abandoned Lin Qingxia, dumped Diana, famous as the heartbreaker who terrifies even ghosts—that’s me, Xie Wuji,” he replied.

The bald man flicked his remaining tufts of hair, hands behind his back, and introduced himself solemnly. “I am the most handsome man in Dog-Paddle Town: beloved by people, admired by flowers, dumbfounding Buddha, wagged at by dogs, sniffed by pigs, leader of the Stray Dog Gang—Li Doggone!”

“An honor!”

“Pleasure to meet you!”

The two felt as if they’d known each other forever. Li Doggone was already in tears. “I never expected brother Xie to be so understanding. I always feared others would discover my little hobby. You don’t know my past—back then, I liked being beaten. My father thought I was crazy, sent me to the doctor, who said I was beyond saving, so he sent me to the fields to be struck by lightning…”

“Did you get struck?”

“I did. That’s why I only have nine hairs left on my head—hence the nickname Li Nine-Hairs.” He tossed his head, or rather the nine hairs.

“So what’s going on here?” Xie Wuji glanced at him, then at Dongmen Qianyun.

Dongmen Qianyun looked aggrieved. “I thought his nine hairs looked ugly, so I tied them into a little braid. He clung to my leg and cried, so I hit him, and he said he wanted more…”

Xie Wuji wiped his brow. “Looks like it was all a misunderstanding. There’s a feast downstairs—care to join me for a drink?”

“Wait, brother Xie. Earlier, I misjudged you. I thought you were a ruthless bandit, a murderer. But now I know—a man who understands my hobby can’t be bad! Poor me, I even sent word to Azure Cloud Sect earlier today. They may be on their way now. For your safety, you and your daughter should leave.”

At the mention of “daughter,” Dongmen Qianyun exploded, slapping the table and shouting, “You dog-nose, pig-brain, dung beetle, you’re the one who’s his daughter! Have you ever seen a daughter this big?”

Li Doggone folded his arms, his face flushed. “Oh, yes, yes! Miss, please scold me more, harder… Ah, I feel like I’m standing atop a mountain, so exhilarated!”

“The more you scold him, the more excited he gets,” Xie Wuji remarked, patting her shoulder.

Dongmen Qianyun paused, eyes darting. She feigned a lovestruck maiden and said, “Brother Li Doggone, you’re so handsome! I adore men as masculine as you!”

Li Doggone’s body shook; he drew his dagger. “I’ve been insulted! I can’t go on!”

Xie Wuji broke out in a sweat, quickly grabbing his hand. “Calm down! You’re the epitome of ugliness, a pig and dog in one—how can you kill yourself?”

“Don’t state the obvious,” Li Doggone said, his emotions finally settling. Once calm, he acted like a normal person.

Dongmen Qianyun hugged her arms and snorted. At that moment, the matron approached, whispered something in her ear, and Dongmen Qianyun’s cheeks instantly flushed. She cast a deep glance at Xie Wuji and followed the matron away.

Xie Wuji continued chatting nonsense with Li Doggone until nearly dawn, planning to leave soon after.